Games
by amberpire
Summary: - But Jade is so far away, sometimes in Beck's arms and sometimes in hers. It's not fair, and somehow, Cat understands that much. ;Cat/Jade;


Cat is a lot of things - eccentric, weird, a little crazy - but she isn't stupid. Math isn't her forte, and sometimes common sense slips her, but she isn't stupid. She knows that when Jade kisses her and then leaves to go hang out with Beck that that is wrong, and she knows that when Jade tells her it is just a fun little game they are playing, that that is wrong, too. Cat isn't stupid; she knows these things, but she also knows she is weak, and even though these things are wrong and she knows them, she would never speak out.

Because no one has looked at her the way Jade does, no one but Robbie and Rex, and Rex isn't even a person so he doesn't count, and Robbie is kind of creepy so he almost doesn't count, either. Besides, neither of them like her for her, they just like watching her walk for whatever reason and find her chest really interesting. She's not sure why. But Jade listens to her, Jade sits on her bed and braids her hair and listens to all of the weird things she says. And Jade kisses her for more than just kissing. If that makes any sense. It probably doesn't. Cat's used to not making sense, and she's used to Jade telling her that it's okay that she doesn't make sense.

Jade tells her she gets the best of both worlds. Cat in secret, Beck in public. She says it makes her happy that she can hold Beck's hand in school and Cat's when they're in her room. She tells Cat that it's fun to have a little secret, a skeleton in the closet. Cat agrees even though she really doesn't. She wants to hold Jade's hand in public. She wants to kiss her in front of a bunch of people.

But that's Beck's place and not hers and Jade has explained that a hundred times, but she doesn't seem to really get it. When people kiss and hug and wrap themselves in each other on their beds, doesn't that mean something? Doesn't that mean they love each other?

Cat doesn't know. She isn't sure. She doesn't understand those kinds of things. She wishes she did, she wishes she could put her thoughts into words but she can't. She doesn't know how. Jade usually does that for her, gives her the right words to use, but when Jade isn't there she's just Cat. Boring, weird, crazy Cat. Jade makes her something more, something Cat can't explain. But Jade is so far away, sometimes in Beck's arms and sometimes in hers. It's not fair, and somehow, Cat understands that much.

And she thought kissing Robbie would make Jade mad. It was the only reason she did it. She likes Robbie, but Robbie isn't Jade. No one is Jade but Jade and she didn't even care. She laughed when Cat told her, clapped her on the shoulder and told her that she was probably the boy's first and no one would take that away from her. Cat was confused. Wasn't Jade supposed to be mad or something? Jealous? Hurt?

But she wasn't. She thought it was funny. And Cat doesn't understand and so desperately wants to. Needs to.

And so she decides she's going to find out. She waits until Jade comes over, acting a little more nervous than usual. Jade keeps raising her eyebrows at her like other people do and Cat doesn't like that, because Jade doesn't treat her the way everyone else does and she wants that expression of disbelief to leave her. Cat toys with Jade's hands while she talks and Cat isn't really listening, her thoughts still circling around Beck and what a normal person would do in her situation. Jade is talking about school or something and suddenly Cat blurts,

"Don't you love me?"

Jade stops and Cat looks up to see her staring back at her, her jaw slack. And then Jade's face grows tight, hard, and her eyes look away. Her hand coils back into her lap. Cat knows she's done something wrong but she's not sure what that is.

"I'm sorry." Cat says it not because she really is, she just knows she should because she didn't mean to make Jade so mad. She hates when Jade is mad because she acts so angry around everyone else but not her, never her. "I just ... you tell Beck you love him, but you never say it to me. And I know you should because you kiss me, and when people kiss they love each other."

But Jade just stares at her, confused, that hardness still creeping in the lines around her eyebrows and mouth. Cat knows this just because she really likes Jade's face, likes watching it flex and change and shift. She finds it really exciting, because Jade has a nice face, a different face, one Cat likes to touch and kiss. When the silence continues and Cat knows Jade should have said something by now, she frowns and leans forward. "Did you hear me? I said -"

"I heard you, Cat." Jade sighs, lifting a hand to rub her head and Cat worries for a moment that she's caused Jade a terrible headache or something. She frowns, reaching out to brush her fingers over Jade's thick, dark hair. Jade moves away, though, and Cat gives a soft whine. Jade's never moved away from her touch before. Does she smell? She showered today, didn't she? Cat's positive of that, bringing a few strands of ruby hair to her nose to smell the fruit shampoo.

Determining that her odor is not the problem, she looks at Jade again. "Are you okay?"

"Fine." Jade spins on the bed, facing the other way and Cat follows her stare to the wall. There's nothing on it, she doesn't quite understand what Jade finds so terribly interesting about it, but she doesn't say anything. She knows when she should and shouldn't talk to Jade and now was one of those times when staying silent was a good idea. She let Jade stare and study the wall in silence, watching her profile. Finally Jade sighs, her shoulders lifting and falling heavily. "I thought you understood this was just supposed to be fun."

Cat frowned. "I know it's fun."

Jade turned slightly, raising her eyebrows at her like Cat was supposed to be connecting the dots. "That's all it is. Fun. I don't love you."

Cat's mouth dropped open for a moment before she slammed it shut. Jade said the words so bluntly, but then again, she was always like that. Honest. Straight-forward. Cat looks at her hands, twisting them in her lap. "But then why do you -"

"Cat, you don't have to love someone to kiss them, or fuck them."

Cat falls silent again, tracing shapes on her knee. She doesn't like it when Jade swears because the words are just dirty, too dirty for her, but she doesn't say anything. She just stares at the blanket that matches her hair and frowns at it, writing Jade's name against her leg with her finger. "Fun," Cat says, feeling the word on her tongue. It was fun, being with Jade, touching Jade, kissing her, letting Jade kiss her and touch her back. It was fun, but wasn't it love?

"Yeah. Fun. A game." Jade reached out and patted Cat's knee like she was a child, incapable of understanding.

"But, can't you love Beck and me?"

Jade snorts. Cat always thought it was a cute kind of noise except it's not when the sound is directed to you. "No, Cat, I can't. Beck's my boyfriend."

Cat frowns again, glaring hard at the other girl. She tries to make her eyes malicious, angry ... but it's hard, because those kind of emotions are gross and she doesn't like the way they make her heart feel. That, and this is Jade, and she just can't be mad at her, no matter what. "Then what am I?"

"You're a fun secret." Jade smiles and leans forward, her hands planting on either side of the red-haired girl. Cat falls silent, focusing on Jade's lips as she talks because they're nice lips, pretty lips. "You're a fun game I like to play when I'm not with Beck. You're my little kitty cat that I can play with."

"Kitty cat," Cat repeats and those lips are really close to hers now and Cat's forgotten what she was upset about. Does it matter that Cat's a game? At least Jade is here. That's what is important.

Jade kisses her then, soft and gentle, and her fingers twist in Cat's hair. Cat isn't stupid. She knows, somewhere in her wild mind, that there is something wrong going on here, with Beck and Jade and her ... but she's smart enough to realize that this is all she's ever going to get, and she's going to take advantage of every minute of it.

She knows it'll hurt later, when Jade stops playing this game with her, but Cat decides she's going to ignore that. She's just going to focus on kissing Jade.


End file.
